Funny Jokes

TIPS FOR A WORN-OUT MOM

TIPS FOR A WORN-OUT MOM

TIPS- FOR- A- WORN-OUT- MOM
1. Lower your standards for cleanliness and order.
2. Did that? Lower them even more.
3. Your house will never look like a magazine spread, period. Embrace that.
4. No matter how many baskets you buy to contain toys, they will always be visible. Embrace the Toys ‘R Us/ frat house-chic decor.
5. You can never have too many Popsicle in the freezer. How many bad moods have been fixed by a simple Popsicle?
6. If you can’t change them, change your perspective. For example I read recently – probably on Satan’s website Pinterest – that toothpaste is great for cleaning things like faucets. So now when I go into the bathroom every day and see toothpaste splatter all over the bathroom faucet I think about how my children have done half the chore of cleaning for me. How considerate of them! Then I wipe it off while cursing.
7. Those chores that no one ever wants to do. Decide if you would rather do it yourself, badger your child to it, or let it go. If you are confused about what to do, see Number 1 on this list.
8. No one cares what is stuffed under your child’s bed, why should you. Unless it is old food. In that case, you should get a dog.
9. If you have boys, your bathroom will always faintly stink like pee. Invest in some Febreze and count down the days until they move out and you can go visit them and pee on their bathroom floor.
10. Don’t buy white furniture. Unless you enjoy screaming at your children every time they go near it.
11. However bad a situation might seem, one day it will be funny. I have a few for which I am eagerly awaiting for the funny to kick in. Any time now….
12. When your child is a young teen there will be nothing more embarrassing than your very existence. Use this to your advantage. Start planning early.
13. Do not paint any walls in your house with flat paint.
14. Be okay with letting your kids stumble sometimes. Whether that is turning in an assignment late because they didn’t do it or wearing an outfit so hideous you have trouble looking at them without laughing.
15. Noise cancelling headphones are great for blocking out whining, bickering and the endless episodes of Sponge Bob.
16. Socks do not have to match. Every day is Crazy Sock Day at my house, which is infinitely better than Crazy Mom Day.
17. The crayons will break and it is okay to throw them away rather then save them to make some sort of craft that involves the hair dryer. In fact, I give you permission to not feel guilty about all the crafts you know you will never do.
18. Your children will not die from eating the occasional hot dog or frozen pizza. And by occasional I mean more than you are really willing to admit.
19. If your children are driving you crazy arguing with each other, start an argument with them. Then your children will bond over their mutual hatred of you and be quiet.
20. Children do not appreciate top sheets or high thread counts. Buy neither.
21. Homework time is the worst time of the day. Help your kids and yourself by having a designated time and a quiet place to do homework. Preferably in a neighbor’s home.
22. Just say No to ironing.
23. Last, but not least, some chocolate and some really bad TV makes everything seem a little better.

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Five Embarrassing Stories HILARIOUS

Meet The Parents

Choose-the-guy-who-takes-you-to-his-house-to-meet-his-parents-not-his-bedroom

Ok,  it was a casual Friday night and my new boyfriend called me up and asked if we wanted to hang out..    I was bored out my mind,so I jumped at the offer!

As I arrived at his house, I was hoping we would be alone. I couldn’t hear any trace of noise, so I guessed we were. He invited me in, gave me a kiss and then a sexy look which made me turned on and thinking that he was heading to something…He grabbed my hand and brought me downstairs covering my eyes and saying “I have a surprise for you, why don’t you make yourself comfortable”.

So I of course had a feeling what he meant. He then left the room to give me time and said he would be only five minutes.  I began to take off my clothes knowing that I thought he wanted me to strip naked for him.  Five minutes he called me to come out into the room next door to his room.   I walked out all proud of my self and walked into the living room butt naked and saw three shocked faces looking upon my body.            He didn’t tell me the surprise was he wanted me to meet his parents!

What a horrible experience! From that day forward I kept my clothes on at all times unless I was ABSOLUTELY SURE we were alone!

 

Watch out for the snake!

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It was about 5 years ago and it was my first day on the job as a veterinary assistant. I was to meet my new boss and his wife at their farm.

As I made a right turn into their farmyard, I felt a garter snake wrap itself around my ankle. I am terrified of snakes so I immediately started to panic. I was thrashing my arms and legs trying to get the snake off my leg and in the process, I drove RIGHT THROUGH the side of their house!

People started to scream, including me and I sat there stunned. My boss made his way to the side of my car (no one got hurt) and I frantically was trying to explain how a snake around my ankle had caused all of this, only to look down and realize that it was my purse strap.

Needless to say, it was also my last day on the job.

 

Not my day

original

 

I had a job interview with a firm that I wanted very much.

The interview consisted of me two women and one other man. I sat in one chair with the three of them across from me. All through the interview the ladies were smiling and laughing and the man would not even look at me. This was not professional behavior at all and by the end of the interview my nerves were so strained that I finally broke down and ask what was so funny.

One of the ladies replied that it took a real man to wear silk with pink panthers on them. As this remark I look down and for the first time I noticed that my zipper was wide open and I was wearing my lucky boxers which were black silk the pink panthers on them. Add to my humiltiation the other woman quickly replied “and whats poking out of them is not bad either!”.

It just wasn’t my day.

 

Just One of Those Days

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You know that Limp Bizkit song “Break Stuff” that says “It’s just one of those days where you don’t wanna wake up…it’s just one of those days?” This is my day.

There are a lot of kids in my neighborhood, and all of them go to the same school district(middle school, high school, etc.) So we set up a lot of after-school games and stuff like that. One day, we decide to have a neighborhood game of “manhunt” (a glorified version of hide-and-seek tag) We set it for 4:00, and luckily I have almost no homework, so I get it done quick and go to get changed because I had spilled soda on myself by accident when I had gotten home.

Problem. Our washing machine had broken. So we did wash only a few times a week at the laundromat. My mom was out with the latest load, but unfortunately, all my boxers were in it. So, I was stuck with one of my old pairs of tighty-whities. I got adjusted to them fairly easy, though.

So, we get sorted into two teams of six. I was with my two friends, Jim and Rocko, and three girls from my school whom I didn’t “hate” but didn’t “like” either. Our team hid, but after someone found me I ran like heck. Unfortunately, I tripped running across a wet grassy area. I guess when I skidded across the grass, my shorts slid a bit down and I think my underwear was showing, becuase two of the girls on my team just stood for a second. I quick got up and ran for a new spot, though, and took a rest in the middle of the woods.

Unfortunately, I was breathing so heavy I didn’t hear the three girls sneak up on me. Intially, I thought it was someone on the other team and I jumped a bit, but it was those girls. They stuffed their hands down my shorts and yanked my underwear as high as they could. I yelped a bit, then started squirming to get away from them, but they dragged me over to one of the trees and pinned my neck down. One of them held it down, another continued giving me an atomic wedgie, and the third one ran off to get the others.

Once the others were there, they all began laughing and took turns pulling my underwear up. After a few minutes of this, they got bored, so one of them had a “great” idea, and pulled down my shorts. Everyone laughed so freakin’ hard and laughed stuff like “Heya, pimple-ass” (I had serious butt-acne back then) and “Mike IS a girl, he’s wearing a thong!” Finally, it was getting a bit dark, and they all hoisted me up to a tree branch. I don’t know how they pulled it off, but then they tied my underwear to the inside of a tree branch and tore off my shirt. They all ran home.

After a while, my underwear tore more and more and I finally fell off. After seriously hurting my ass, I realized half my underwear was still on the tree. The other half fell right off when I stood up. Freaked out, I ran home, trying to sneak back to my house without being caught. Sadly, there aren’t too many back routes to my house, and some of the neighbors still saw me. Of course, they weren’t too happy to see a pubescent teenage boy running stark naked through their yard and they began yelling at me. I didn’t listen, but they ended up calling my folks anyway.

When I got home, I got razzed by my parents, and when I told them my story, they just blew it off. Plus, they called the parents of the kids I told them about and the story obviously didn’t check out. So I got busted for two weeks-one for running around naked, the other for lying.

It’s just one of those days

 

 

 

Getting Attention

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Yesterday i was in town, trying out some outfits. A few minutes later, I noticed a few fit lads enter the shop..I thought I’d try on this really sexy outfit, do a little walk, and hopefully catch their eye..

When i’d finished doin’ my walk (the lads did notice me!), i decided 2 buy the outfit as i looked pretty good in it. I was changing back in 2 my own clothes when i couldn’t find my bra..I thought maybe I hadnt worn it (i dont always wear a bra, so it was possible).

After I had changed I went 2 pay 4 the clothes – I was feelin really happy, as the fit lads were lookin my way. I walked out of the shop giving my long hair a little toss as i went passed them. When i got towards the front of the shop, I passed a few mirrors, and suddenly 2 my horror i noticed my bra hangin on my back!

The guyz were lookin at me all along, but only because I had my bra hooked 2 the back of my blouse! (still tryin 2 get over it!)

 

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ONE HELL OF A HEADACHE

Help Me Doctor I Have a ONE HELL of a Headache

headache

The Doctor said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches…

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.”

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long.” Joe laughed and said, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” “Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve.” Joe was surprised. “How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” The shirt fit perfectly. As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, “You could use new shoes.” Since Joe was on a roll, he said, “Sure.” The man eyed Joe’s feet and said, “9-1/2E.” Joe was astonished. “That’s right. How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, “How about new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Why not.” The man stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.” Joe laughed. “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.”

The tailor shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

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Why Women Over 30 are AWESOME

Why Women Over 30 are AWESOME

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A woman over 30 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, “What are you thinking?”

She doesn’t care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a darn what you might think about her or what she’s doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women.

Women over 30 couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

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This Man Tried To Mug This Couple

This Man Tried To Mug This Couple. But Then What Followed Is Priceless.

This was posted to Craigslist Personals and just too good not to share with everyone out there who things they can “get one over” on someone else!!

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short jokes for a laugh

short jokes for a laugh

Want to hear a joke…

Want to hear a pizza joke…  Nah, it’s too cheesy. What about a construction Joke?  Oh nevermind, I’m still working on that one.  Did you hear the one about the rope?  Skip it.  Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair?  Nevermind, It’s too lame.

 

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Share a laugh with your friends and family…  here at funniesrus we advise to laugh and live your life and Never take life too seriously!!

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REMEMBER WHEN

Do You Remember When…

Here is a series of things that If you are 40 or older I am sure you can relate to and do REMEMBER WHEN things were just so much more simpler!

lights not people

Remember when lights, not people were turn on and off!

 

back seat driver

Remember when the back seat driver had enough room to sit there…  and then tell you how to drive! :)

 

charity was a virtue

Remember when charity was a virtue, not a telethon!!

 

drug problem

Remember when a drug problem was trying to get a prescription filled on Sunday?  It was really hard if you ran out of your medicine or got sick on Sunday.

 

health foods

Remember when health foods was whatever your mother said you’d better eat or else?  I know first hand how nasty those red beets tasted but I ate every last bite for fear of the “or else”!

 

is it a boy or girl

Remember when Is it a boy?  Or is it a Girl? was only asked about New Born Babies??

 

kids too much energy

Remember when the only enegy crisis was kids having too much of it?

 

last thing you neededRemember when the last thing you needed after a day’s work was exercise?

 

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Apples of Life

Apples of Life

Apples- of -Life

 

 

Apples of Life

A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the first time, her father’s nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn’t have. She asks, “What are those round things hanging there, daddy?”

Proudly, he replies, “Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn’t be here.”

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, “Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?

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Gassy Broad.

Gassy Broad

Gassy- Broad

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ”He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don’t think he can live with my problems.” So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.

A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.

Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ”Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary! :)

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13 FUNNY ONE LINERS

13 FUNNY ONE LINERS to share with friends and family

a bartender

cost of living

ever stop to think and forget again

getting old when

here I am

how many believe

patience

seen it all

sex in movies

the problem with trouble shooting

treat each day

which way

your opinion

13 FUNNY ONE LINERS – which one do you like the best?  Be sure to share with your friends and family so they can laugh too.  Don’t forget to comment below your favorite.  I’m torn between #6 and #11 as my favorite.

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