TIPS FOR A WORN-OUT MOM

TIPS- FOR- A- WORN-OUT- MOM
1. Lower your standards for cleanliness and order.
2. Did that? Lower them even more.
3. Your house will never look like a magazine spread, period. Embrace that.
4. No matter how many baskets you buy to contain toys, they will always be visible. Embrace the Toys ‘R Us/ frat house-chic decor.
5. You can never have too many Popsicle in the freezer. How many bad moods have been fixed by a simple Popsicle?
6. If you can’t change them, change your perspective. For example I read recently – probably on Satan’s website Pinterest – that toothpaste is great for cleaning things like faucets. So now when I go into the bathroom every day and see toothpaste splatter all over the bathroom faucet I think about how my children have done half the chore of cleaning for me. How considerate of them! Then I wipe it off while cursing.
7. Those chores that no one ever wants to do. Decide if you would rather do it yourself, badger your child to it, or let it go. If you are confused about what to do, see Number 1 on this list.
8. No one cares what is stuffed under your child’s bed, why should you. Unless it is old food. In that case, you should get a dog.
9. If you have boys, your bathroom will always faintly stink like pee. Invest in some Febreze and count down the days until they move out and you can go visit them and pee on their bathroom floor.
10. Don’t buy white furniture. Unless you enjoy screaming at your children every time they go near it.
11. However bad a situation might seem, one day it will be funny. I have a few for which I am eagerly awaiting for the funny to kick in. Any time now….
12. When your child is a young teen there will be nothing more embarrassing than your very existence. Use this to your advantage. Start planning early.
13. Do not paint any walls in your house with flat paint.
14. Be okay with letting your kids stumble sometimes. Whether that is turning in an assignment late because they didn’t do it or wearing an outfit so hideous you have trouble looking at them without laughing.
15. Noise cancelling headphones are great for blocking out whining, bickering and the endless episodes of Sponge Bob.
16. Socks do not have to match. Every day is Crazy Sock Day at my house, which is infinitely better than Crazy Mom Day.
17. The crayons will break and it is okay to throw them away rather then save them to make some sort of craft that involves the hair dryer. In fact, I give you permission to not feel guilty about all the crafts you know you will never do.
18. Your children will not die from eating the occasional hot dog or frozen pizza. And by occasional I mean more than you are really willing to admit.
19. If your children are driving you crazy arguing with each other, start an argument with them. Then your children will bond over their mutual hatred of you and be quiet.
20. Children do not appreciate top sheets or high thread counts. Buy neither.
21. Homework time is the worst time of the day. Help your kids and yourself by having a designated time and a quiet place to do homework. Preferably in a neighbor’s home.
22. Just say No to ironing.
23. Last, but not least, some chocolate and some really bad TV makes everything seem a little better.

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Meet The Parents

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Ok,  it was a casual Friday night and my new boyfriend called me up and asked if we wanted to hang out..    I was bored out my mind,so I jumped at the offer!

As I arrived at his house, I was hoping we would be alone. I couldn’t hear any trace of noise, so I guessed we were. He invited me in, gave me a kiss and then a sexy look which made me turned on and thinking that he was heading to something…He grabbed my hand and brought me downstairs covering my eyes and saying “I have a surprise for you, why don’t you make yourself comfortable”.

So I of course had a feeling what he meant. He then left the room to give me time and said he would be only five minutes.  I began to take off my clothes knowing that I thought he wanted me to strip naked for him.  Five minutes he called me to come out into the room next door to his room.   I walked out all proud of my self and walked into the living room butt naked and saw three shocked faces looking upon my body.            He didn’t tell me the surprise was he wanted me to meet his parents!

What a horrible experience! From that day forward I kept my clothes on at all times unless I was ABSOLUTELY SURE we were alone!

 

Watch out for the snake!

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It was about 5 years ago and it was my first day on the job as a veterinary assistant. I was to meet my new boss and his wife at their farm.

As I made a right turn into their farmyard, I felt a garter snake wrap itself around my ankle. I am terrified of snakes so I immediately started to panic. I was thrashing my arms and legs trying to get the snake off my leg and in the process, I drove RIGHT THROUGH the side of their house!

People started to scream, including me and I sat there stunned. My boss made his way to the side of my car (no one got hurt) and I frantically was trying to explain how a snake around my ankle had caused all of this, only to look down and realize that it was my purse strap.

Needless to say, it was also my last day on the job.

 

Not my day

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I had a job interview with a firm that I wanted very much.

The interview consisted of me two women and one other man. I sat in one chair with the three of them across from me. All through the interview the ladies were smiling and laughing and the man would not even look at me. This was not professional behavior at all and by the end of the interview my nerves were so strained that I finally broke down and ask what was so funny.

One of the ladies replied that it took a real man to wear silk with pink panthers on them. As this remark I look down and for the first time I noticed that my zipper was wide open and I was wearing my lucky boxers which were black silk the pink panthers on them. Add to my humiltiation the other woman quickly replied “and whats poking out of them is not bad either!”.

It just wasn’t my day.

 

Just One of Those Days

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You know that Limp Bizkit song “Break Stuff” that says “It’s just one of those days where you don’t wanna wake up…it’s just one of those days?” This is my day.

There are a lot of kids in my neighborhood, and all of them go to the same school district(middle school, high school, etc.) So we set up a lot of after-school games and stuff like that. One day, we decide to have a neighborhood game of “manhunt” (a glorified version of hide-and-seek tag) We set it for 4:00, and luckily I have almost no homework, so I get it done quick and go to get changed because I had spilled soda on myself by accident when I had gotten home.

Problem. Our washing machine had broken. So we did wash only a few times a week at the laundromat. My mom was out with the latest load, but unfortunately, all my boxers were in it. So, I was stuck with one of my old pairs of tighty-whities. I got adjusted to them fairly easy, though.

So, we get sorted into two teams of six. I was with my two friends, Jim and Rocko, and three girls from my school whom I didn’t “hate” but didn’t “like” either. Our team hid, but after someone found me I ran like heck. Unfortunately, I tripped running across a wet grassy area. I guess when I skidded across the grass, my shorts slid a bit down and I think my underwear was showing, becuase two of the girls on my team just stood for a second. I quick got up and ran for a new spot, though, and took a rest in the middle of the woods.

Unfortunately, I was breathing so heavy I didn’t hear the three girls sneak up on me. Intially, I thought it was someone on the other team and I jumped a bit, but it was those girls. They stuffed their hands down my shorts and yanked my underwear as high as they could. I yelped a bit, then started squirming to get away from them, but they dragged me over to one of the trees and pinned my neck down. One of them held it down, another continued giving me an atomic wedgie, and the third one ran off to get the others.

Once the others were there, they all began laughing and took turns pulling my underwear up. After a few minutes of this, they got bored, so one of them had a “great” idea, and pulled down my shorts. Everyone laughed so freakin’ hard and laughed stuff like “Heya, pimple-ass” (I had serious butt-acne back then) and “Mike IS a girl, he’s wearing a thong!” Finally, it was getting a bit dark, and they all hoisted me up to a tree branch. I don’t know how they pulled it off, but then they tied my underwear to the inside of a tree branch and tore off my shirt. They all ran home.

After a while, my underwear tore more and more and I finally fell off. After seriously hurting my ass, I realized half my underwear was still on the tree. The other half fell right off when I stood up. Freaked out, I ran home, trying to sneak back to my house without being caught. Sadly, there aren’t too many back routes to my house, and some of the neighbors still saw me. Of course, they weren’t too happy to see a pubescent teenage boy running stark naked through their yard and they began yelling at me. I didn’t listen, but they ended up calling my folks anyway.

When I got home, I got razzed by my parents, and when I told them my story, they just blew it off. Plus, they called the parents of the kids I told them about and the story obviously didn’t check out. So I got busted for two weeks-one for running around naked, the other for lying.

It’s just one of those days

 

 

 

Getting Attention

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Yesterday i was in town, trying out some outfits. A few minutes later, I noticed a few fit lads enter the shop..I thought I’d try on this really sexy outfit, do a little walk, and hopefully catch their eye..

When i’d finished doin’ my walk (the lads did notice me!), i decided 2 buy the outfit as i looked pretty good in it. I was changing back in 2 my own clothes when i couldn’t find my bra..I thought maybe I hadnt worn it (i dont always wear a bra, so it was possible).

After I had changed I went 2 pay 4 the clothes – I was feelin really happy, as the fit lads were lookin my way. I walked out of the shop giving my long hair a little toss as i went passed them. When i got towards the front of the shop, I passed a few mirrors, and suddenly 2 my horror i noticed my bra hangin on my back!

The guyz were lookin at me all along, but only because I had my bra hooked 2 the back of my blouse! (still tryin 2 get over it!)

 

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