JOKES

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident

Screen shot 2012-02-10 at 8.19.20 AM

It’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, ‘Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.’

The man replies, ‘I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!’

The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman. Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’

The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…’

7,213 total views, no views today

Share Button

Five Embarrassing Stories HILARIOUS

Meet The Parents

Choose-the-guy-who-takes-you-to-his-house-to-meet-his-parents-not-his-bedroom

Ok,  it was a casual Friday night and my new boyfriend called me up and asked if we wanted to hang out..    I was bored out my mind,so I jumped at the offer!

As I arrived at his house, I was hoping we would be alone. I couldn’t hear any trace of noise, so I guessed we were. He invited me in, gave me a kiss and then a sexy look which made me turned on and thinking that he was heading to something…He grabbed my hand and brought me downstairs covering my eyes and saying “I have a surprise for you, why don’t you make yourself comfortable”.

So I of course had a feeling what he meant. He then left the room to give me time and said he would be only five minutes.  I began to take off my clothes knowing that I thought he wanted me to strip naked for him.  Five minutes he called me to come out into the room next door to his room.   I walked out all proud of my self and walked into the living room butt naked and saw three shocked faces looking upon my body.            He didn’t tell me the surprise was he wanted me to meet his parents!

What a horrible experience! From that day forward I kept my clothes on at all times unless I was ABSOLUTELY SURE we were alone!

 

Watch out for the snake!

Watch-Out-Snakes-Sign-K-6942

It was about 5 years ago and it was my first day on the job as a veterinary assistant. I was to meet my new boss and his wife at their farm.

As I made a right turn into their farmyard, I felt a garter snake wrap itself around my ankle. I am terrified of snakes so I immediately started to panic. I was thrashing my arms and legs trying to get the snake off my leg and in the process, I drove RIGHT THROUGH the side of their house!

People started to scream, including me and I sat there stunned. My boss made his way to the side of my car (no one got hurt) and I frantically was trying to explain how a snake around my ankle had caused all of this, only to look down and realize that it was my purse strap.

Needless to say, it was also my last day on the job.

 

Not my day

original

 

I had a job interview with a firm that I wanted very much.

The interview consisted of me two women and one other man. I sat in one chair with the three of them across from me. All through the interview the ladies were smiling and laughing and the man would not even look at me. This was not professional behavior at all and by the end of the interview my nerves were so strained that I finally broke down and ask what was so funny.

One of the ladies replied that it took a real man to wear silk with pink panthers on them. As this remark I look down and for the first time I noticed that my zipper was wide open and I was wearing my lucky boxers which were black silk the pink panthers on them. Add to my humiltiation the other woman quickly replied “and whats poking out of them is not bad either!”.

It just wasn’t my day.

 

Just One of Those Days

just_one_of_those_days____by_absolutedream-d5fnq3g

You know that Limp Bizkit song “Break Stuff” that says “It’s just one of those days where you don’t wanna wake up…it’s just one of those days?” This is my day.

There are a lot of kids in my neighborhood, and all of them go to the same school district(middle school, high school, etc.) So we set up a lot of after-school games and stuff like that. One day, we decide to have a neighborhood game of “manhunt” (a glorified version of hide-and-seek tag) We set it for 4:00, and luckily I have almost no homework, so I get it done quick and go to get changed because I had spilled soda on myself by accident when I had gotten home.

Problem. Our washing machine had broken. So we did wash only a few times a week at the laundromat. My mom was out with the latest load, but unfortunately, all my boxers were in it. So, I was stuck with one of my old pairs of tighty-whities. I got adjusted to them fairly easy, though.

So, we get sorted into two teams of six. I was with my two friends, Jim and Rocko, and three girls from my school whom I didn’t “hate” but didn’t “like” either. Our team hid, but after someone found me I ran like heck. Unfortunately, I tripped running across a wet grassy area. I guess when I skidded across the grass, my shorts slid a bit down and I think my underwear was showing, becuase two of the girls on my team just stood for a second. I quick got up and ran for a new spot, though, and took a rest in the middle of the woods.

Unfortunately, I was breathing so heavy I didn’t hear the three girls sneak up on me. Intially, I thought it was someone on the other team and I jumped a bit, but it was those girls. They stuffed their hands down my shorts and yanked my underwear as high as they could. I yelped a bit, then started squirming to get away from them, but they dragged me over to one of the trees and pinned my neck down. One of them held it down, another continued giving me an atomic wedgie, and the third one ran off to get the others.

Once the others were there, they all began laughing and took turns pulling my underwear up. After a few minutes of this, they got bored, so one of them had a “great” idea, and pulled down my shorts. Everyone laughed so freakin’ hard and laughed stuff like “Heya, pimple-ass” (I had serious butt-acne back then) and “Mike IS a girl, he’s wearing a thong!” Finally, it was getting a bit dark, and they all hoisted me up to a tree branch. I don’t know how they pulled it off, but then they tied my underwear to the inside of a tree branch and tore off my shirt. They all ran home.

After a while, my underwear tore more and more and I finally fell off. After seriously hurting my ass, I realized half my underwear was still on the tree. The other half fell right off when I stood up. Freaked out, I ran home, trying to sneak back to my house without being caught. Sadly, there aren’t too many back routes to my house, and some of the neighbors still saw me. Of course, they weren’t too happy to see a pubescent teenage boy running stark naked through their yard and they began yelling at me. I didn’t listen, but they ended up calling my folks anyway.

When I got home, I got razzed by my parents, and when I told them my story, they just blew it off. Plus, they called the parents of the kids I told them about and the story obviously didn’t check out. So I got busted for two weeks-one for running around naked, the other for lying.

It’s just one of those days

 

 

 

Getting Attention

images

Yesterday i was in town, trying out some outfits. A few minutes later, I noticed a few fit lads enter the shop..I thought I’d try on this really sexy outfit, do a little walk, and hopefully catch their eye..

When i’d finished doin’ my walk (the lads did notice me!), i decided 2 buy the outfit as i looked pretty good in it. I was changing back in 2 my own clothes when i couldn’t find my bra..I thought maybe I hadnt worn it (i dont always wear a bra, so it was possible).

After I had changed I went 2 pay 4 the clothes – I was feelin really happy, as the fit lads were lookin my way. I walked out of the shop giving my long hair a little toss as i went passed them. When i got towards the front of the shop, I passed a few mirrors, and suddenly 2 my horror i noticed my bra hangin on my back!

The guyz were lookin at me all along, but only because I had my bra hooked 2 the back of my blouse! (still tryin 2 get over it!)

 

2,501 total views, no views today

Share Button

CHEATING HUSBAND GETS PAID BACK ~ GENIUS

CHEATING HUSBAND GETS PAID BACK AFTER LEAVING HIS WIFE OF 37 YEARS FOR HIS SECRETARY – ABSOLUTELY GENIUS

This woman might be losing her marriage and her home, but she wasn’t going to let things go that easily.  ABSOLUTELY GENIUS!

womans husband cheated 1

womans husband cheated 2

womans husband cheated 3

womans husband cheated 4

womans husband cheated 5

womans husband cheated 6

29,587 total views, no views today

Share Button

WRONG NUMBER

WRONG NUMBER

wrong number

It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.

“Hello?”

A girl’s voice came over the line. “Can I speak to Ben, please?”

I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.

“I’m sorry, he’s not in right now. Can I take a message?”

“Do you know what time he’ll be back?” she responded.

“I think he said he’d be home around 10:00.”

Silence on the other end… a confused silence.

“Is this Steve?”

My name isn’t Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.

“Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?”

“Well… he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him…” she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, “Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00.”

A shocked voice now: “Who’s Karen?!”

“The girl he went out with.”

“I know that! I mean… who is she?”

“I don’t know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?”

“Yes… please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home.”

She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. “I sure will. Is this Jennifer?”

She exploded this time. “Who’s Jennifer?”

Apparently she wasn’t.

“Well… he’s going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry… it was an honest mistake.”

“Ben’s the one that’s made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she’s very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home.”

I smiled and said, “Okay, I will… but Becky isn’t going to like this…”

CLICK

22,773 total views, no views today

Share Button

TAMPON MYSTERY

THE MYSTERY OF THE DISAPPEARING TAMPONS

disappearing tampons

OK, I’m the only female in a house full of guys. 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat is never down…etc.

SOOOOoooooooooo I’m the only one who would be using Female products…..correct?

A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. * Insert Twilight Zone theme here *

Ok….A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.

The next month (T.O.M) I go back to the cupboard…..and VOILA….there is only ONE tampon left again. What’s going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.

WELL…..I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD….at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.

I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them??????

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I’m thinking, “Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?”

I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to “COME HERE!!!!”

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.

I said “What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!”

My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. “Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff… and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles… What do YOU use them for?”

“NEVER MIND!! GO PLAY!!!!”

 


 

24,979 total views, no views today

Share Button

DO NOT MESS WITH SMALL KIDS MOMMIES

This Is Why You Don’t Mess With Small Kids’ Mommies. This Is Hilarious.

He told his 4 year old to do this, but what his son did left him red faced…

Do you ever notice how a kid can be louder than an adult? Have you ever been embarrassed by your child or younger relative shouting it out in a restaurant or airport? Maybe you were that kid once.
Well, we think you are going to laugh at this story, even as it goes a bit over the edge. But hey, it’s just a story, a funny one at that.

dont mess with mommies

2,968 total views, no views today

Share Button

BEST TEXT REPLY EVER TO SCAMMERS

This is the BEST TEXT REPLY EVER TO SCAMMERS…  Totally Gold!!

Ever received one of those nasty spam messages from a scammer hoping to fleece you of your hard earned cash via text message? This person had enough of their nonsense and replied to the scammer with one of the most hilarious responses we’ve seen to date.

scam textt1-700x1935t2-700x1983t3-700x2257t4-700x2738

1,671 total views, no views today

Share Button

Apples of Life

Apples of Life

Apples- of -Life

 

 

Apples of Life

A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the first time, her father’s nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn’t have. She asks, “What are those round things hanging there, daddy?”

Proudly, he replies, “Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn’t be here.”

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, “Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?

1,174 total views, 1 views today

Share Button

Gassy Broad.

Gassy Broad

Gassy- Broad

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ”He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don’t think he can live with my problems.” So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.

A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.

Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ”Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary! :)

996 total views, 1 views today

Share Button

The Most Craziest Fart Story Ever. This Is Priceless.

This Woman was about to FART on her first date, but what followed is PRICELESS…

After reading this I am laughing so hard I’m crying but only because I can see myself doing something like this!

 

fart story

Like Everything in life farts have a time and place…  I Just never realized that in the wrong place & time had enough power to alter my course in history…  :)

Source [hahasforhoohas]

2,838 total views, no views today

Share Button