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As I arrived at his house, I was hoping we would be alone. I couldn’t hear any trace of noise, so I guessed we were. He invited me in, gave me a kiss and then a sexy look which made me turned on and thinking that he was heading to something…He grabbed my hand and brought me downstairs covering my eyes and saying “I have a surprise for you, why don’t you make yourself comfortable”.
So I of course had a feeling what he meant. He then left the room to give me time and said he would be only five minutes. I began to take off my clothes knowing that I thought he wanted me to strip naked for him. Five minutes he called me to come out into the room next door to his room. I walked out all proud of my self and walked into the living room butt naked and saw three shocked faces looking upon my body. He didn’t tell me the surprise was he wanted me to meet his parents!
What a horrible experience! From that day forward I kept my clothes on at all times unless I was ABSOLUTELY SURE we were alone!
As I made a right turn into their farmyard, I felt a garter snake wrap itself around my ankle. I am terrified of snakes so I immediately started to panic. I was thrashing my arms and legs trying to get the snake off my leg and in the process, I drove RIGHT THROUGH the side of their house!
People started to scream, including me and I sat there stunned. My boss made his way to the side of my car (no one got hurt) and I frantically was trying to explain how a snake around my ankle had caused all of this, only to look down and realize that it was my purse strap.
Needless to say, it was also my last day on the job.
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SOOOOoooooooooo I’m the only one who would be using Female products…..correct?
A STRANGE thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing. * Insert Twilight Zone theme here *
Ok….A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was ONLY one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it.
The next month (T.O.M) I go back to the cupboard…..and VOILA….there is only ONE tampon left again. What’s going on here? Gremlins??? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.
WELL…..I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and LOW and BEHOLD….at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves.
I am starting to FREAK!!! Dear God, what are they doing with them??????
I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I’m thinking, “Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?”
I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to “COME HERE!!!!”
They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet.
I said “What are you doing with THOSE? THOSE are MINE!”
My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent.
My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. “Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff… and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles… What do YOU use them for?”
“NEVER MIND!! GO PLAY!!!!”
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A little girl walks into her parents’ bathroom and notices for the first time, her father’s nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn’t have. She asks, “What are those round things hanging there, daddy?”
Proudly, he replies, “Those, sweetheart, are God’s Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn’t be here.”
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, “Did he say anything about the dead branch they’re hanging from?
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Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ”He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don’t think he can live with my problems.” So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.
Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ”Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!
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