A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued … and WON! (Stay with me here.)
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer “held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire” and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Only in America! No wonder the Third World countries think we are nuts
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WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN!!!Some cute Children Stories
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it wasa very large mammal its throat was very small.The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale couldnot swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I willask Jonah”.The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy acopy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up andsay, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘that’s Michael. He’s a doctor.'”A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, shesaid, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn redin the face.”“Yes,” the class said.“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn’t run into myfeet?”A little fellow shouted, “Because your feet aren’t empty.”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head ofthe table was a large pile of apples.The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chipcookies. A child had written a note, “Take all You want. God is watching the apples!” |
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I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
______________________________________________________________________________
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party”.
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
______________________________________________________________________________
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but I can’t put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
______________________________________________________________________________
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party…the days are so short this time of year…or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Over eaters Anonymous to sit furthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
______________________________________________________________________________
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
______________________________________________________________________________
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan”, there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit”. It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?
FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
______________________________________________________________________________
Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the “grill of death”, as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes…but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them…I’ve heard them scream, I’m hearing them scream right now…!
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
______________________________________________________________________________
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!
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Famous Fruitcake Recipe
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As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . ALTERNATIVELY, C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T . our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained…
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He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
…
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?
And the kids these days – they all are the pits
They want the impossible …Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!
Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year…now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I’m going SOUTH for the season!
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