JOKES

This Guy Was Having A Bad Day What He Did Next Is Brilliant!

I had to read this a couple times to believe this guy was this brilliant to pull off such a thing… WOW!!

 

gg-bad-day-post

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BEST LAWYER JOKE OF THE YEAR

BEST LAWYER JOKE OF THE YEAR

best lawyer joke

Maybe the best lawyer story of the year, decade, and probably the century.

A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued … and WON! (Stay with me here.)

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer “held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.”

NOW FOR THE BEST PART

attorney

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

Only in America!  No wonder the Third World countries think we are nuts :-)

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WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN!!!

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN!!!

why_we_love_kids

Some cute Children Stories

 

  • The Whale and Jonah

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was

a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could

not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will

ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

  • Group Photograph

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a

copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and

say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘that’s Michael. He’s a doctor.'”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher. She’s dead.”

 

  • Blood Circulation

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she

said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red

in the face.”

“Yes,” the class said.

“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn’t run into my

feet?”

A little fellow shouted, “Because your feet aren’t empty.”

 

  • Group Photo

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of

the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip

cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all You want. God is watching the apples!”

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If you are 36, or older you might think this is hilarious!

If you are 36, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

If you are 36 or older


When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill… Barefoot… BOTH ways…yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!

But now that I’m over the ripe old age of forty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. They’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, They live in a virtual Utopia! And I hate to say it, but the kids today, don’t know how good they’ve got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our behinds! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3′s or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn’t have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!

7) There weren’t any cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there’s TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please!

You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent… you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what’s the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!

12) And we didn’t have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!

And car seats – oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!

See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! the kids today have got it too easy. They’re spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards, The Over 40 Crowd

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Looking for Sex…

Looking for Sex

pug smiling

 

When I went to City Hall to renew my dog’s license I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one too!” Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He winked at me and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took my dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and myself, and a special room for Sex. He said, “You don’t need a special room for Sex. As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny, I have the same problem.”

Well, one day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began the dog got loose and ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He said, “Wonderful! If you sell tickets you’ll clean up!” “But you don’t understand”, I said. “I want to have Sex on TV.” He said, “They already have that on Cable. It’s no big deal any more.”

Well my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said to the judge, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The Judge said, “The courtroom is not a confessional. Please stick to the facts.” Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me. He said, “Me too.”

Well last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over for him. A cop came over to me and asked, What are you doing in this alley at four o’clock in the morning?” I said, “I’m looking for Sex.”

My case comes up soon.

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Dogs Winter Wonderland

Dogs Winter Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listenin’?
In the lane, snow is glistenin’.
It’s yellow, NOT white,
I’ve been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

dog watering tree

Smell that tree? That’s my fragrance.
It’s a sign for wand’ring vagrants;
“Avoid where I pee,
It’s MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland.”

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
Following the classical design.
Then I’ll lift my leg and let it go man,
So all the world will know it’s mine-mine-mine!

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Straight from me to the fencepost,
Flows my natural incense boast;
“Stay off of my TURF,
This small piece of Earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland.

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Holiday Party and Office Politics

Holiday Party AND Office Politics 

THIS IS FUNNY but also SO TRUE… I have been in this Human Resource Director’s position and it is truly IMPOSSIBLE to Please everyone…  DIVERSITY AT IT’S BEST BELOW

 

Holiday Party

 

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 2

RE: Christmas Party

______________________________________________________________________________

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party”.

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

______________________________________________________________________________

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but I can’t put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

______________________________________________________________________________

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party…the days are so short this time of year…or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.

Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Over eaters Anonymous to sit furthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 8

RE: Holiday Party

______________________________________________________________________________

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

Date: December 9

RE: Holiday Party

______________________________________________________________________________

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan”, there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit”. It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 10

RE: Holiday Party

______________________________________________________________________________

Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the “grill of death”, as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes…but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them…I’ve heard them scream, I’m hearing them scream right now…!

 

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14

RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

______________________________________________________________________________

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!

 

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Famous Fruitcake Recipe

 

Famous Fruitcake Recipe

I thought I would share a favorite recipe of mine! Make sure you read the whole recipe first before you start cooking…It’s very important!

Have fun!

jackd

Ingredients:


1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1 cup nuts (any except walnuts)
1 gallon whiskey (JD tastes best)

Directions:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.  Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.

What the hell?

Who likes fruitcake anyway?

 

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Early Retirement Policy

Early Retirement Policy

 

Dear employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Early Retirement
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

retirment

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HE.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . ALTERNATIVELY, C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T . our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained…

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Twas the night before Christmas…

Twas the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear?

 

santadied

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night

The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

And the kids these days – they all are the pits

They want the impossible …Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them

They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

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Flying through the air…dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment

I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

There’s no Christmas this year…now you know the reason

I found me a blonde.. I’m going SOUTH for the season!

 

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