Holiday Party and Office Politics

Holiday Party AND Office Politics 

THIS IS FUNNY but also SO TRUE… I have been in this Human Resource Director’s position and it is truly IMPOSSIBLE to Please everyone…  DIVERSITY AT IT’S BEST BELOW

 

Holiday Party

 

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 2

RE: Christmas Party

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In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we’re calling it our “Holiday Party”.

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

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Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table…you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but I can’t put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

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What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party…the days are so short this time of year…or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans.

Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Over eaters Anonymous to sit furthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 8

RE: Holiday Party

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So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our earth-based, Goddess-worshipping employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

Date: December 9

RE: Holiday Party

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People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan”, there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit”. It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?

 

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 10

RE: Holiday Party

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Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table farthest from the “grill of death”, as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes…but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them…I’ve heard them scream, I’m hearing them scream right now…!

 

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14

RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

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I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!

 

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